little dodge humor somebody e-mailed to me

Welcome to your Dodge Ram 1500 Series.

This is the stuff you won't find in your owners manual as it was mistakenly left out by the Diamler Chrysler publishing staff.

First you might as well drive your new 1500 series right down to your local Tranny Shop (Emory Transmissions in your case) and have your 46RE rebuilt by the folks that know what they are doing. Please avoid Diamler/Chrysler dealers as they will just rebuild it to their specs. (What got you into this situation in the first place)

The tranny shop will rebuild your 4 speed Automatic/Overdrive with the 2004 rebuild kit which includes all the upgrades to make this thing last a wee longer. You may also want to ask about having 47RE parts substituted where they will work.

After this is all taken care of, it is time to buckle down for the rest of the upgrades we left out over the progression of the model years.

Now that your truck actually shifts correctly, You will notice an immediate loss of power, oil, and spark detonation sometime after 36,000 miles. This will be due to our brightly engineered Plenum Gasket leaking. (Commonly referred to as Belly Pan Gasket.)

We redesigned this gasket and now suggest Mopar Part # 05017208AA as a replacement option. This gasket will last you about 3,000 – 5,000 miles before you need to rip the top of engine all off again and do it all over again.

In this case if you would like to repair it once and be done… we recommend you replace your ‘keg’ style intake manifold with our “Performance” M-1 intake. This intake will give your Magnum 5.9 a fresh outlook on lifes highways.

Now that your 1500 series pickup actually accelerates and shifts; you will want to start being able to steer it.

First on this list of recommended “upgrades” is to address the weak “erector set” type steering shaft. This will wear out anywhere from 20,000 to 36,000 miles. When this starts to go you will notice a large amount of SLOP in your steering wheel. You will get the feeling you are driving one of our competitors’ big rigs. (eg Peterbuilt)

We recommend you purchase a Borgeson steering shaft #950. We like this design so much we attempted to buy the rights to the patent, however we were told to “suffer in our own hell”.

Moving on…

You might as well remove your $400 half ton steering box and replace it with the better $200 one ton model. Don't ask why we screw you on 1500 parts pricing. (That was the bean counters’ idea)

Now after you can shift, accelerate, and steer your 1500 series pickup, you will want to be able to keep it on the road.

The biggest cause of wonder in your 1500’s front end will be 1 of 3 possible causes.

The first possible cause is your front wheel bearings. We manufactured these bearings in a conveniently replaceable hub a$$embly. This will keep grease from repacking/replacing your bearings from getting on your supple un-calloused soccer mom/dad hands. Sure these units will run you needless amounts of $$ extra.. but you don’t actually want to get your hands greasy do you ?

The next possible cause of a wondering front end is your ball joints. We designed these to last a few thousand miles at best. NEW for 98+ model year, we designed the ball joints so that you can ONLY get replacements from Diamler Chrylser directly. (Again the bean counters’ idea.. something about lost revenue to Ford and Chevy)

*Special note* For 1500 series owners that would like to run LARGER tires, we recommend you: DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200, and DO NOT run tires larger than 35”. The afore mentioned ball joints and hub a$$emblies will not hold up long if you do.

The last possible cause can be very frightening the first time you notice it go bad. The tracking bar which holds your Dana 44 front axle in tracking with the 1500 series frame. This bar we cleverly designed with a ball type joint in the frame end. Our engineers a$$ured us that this will give you “mad flex”, so we would not consider replacing it with a dual bushing ended track bar as we did on the 2003 ¾ ton series trucks.
When the tracking bar goes bad, you may experience a feeling that has you holding onto the seat with your posterior cheeks…. It is called “Death Wobble”

This “Death Wobble” can cause you to loose control of the vehicle if you are not careful. Please proceed to switch out your tracking bar with an after market bar from DT Pro Fabrications. We would have recommended the Skyjacker offering, however our OEM designed bar is better.. not to mention we have reports of a guy in Pennsylvania with a Solar Yellow 1500 series that has had numerous problems with his. (We should listen to him.. he can be down right mean)

As with all publications, we have tried to cover all the important/common topics that you will run into with your 1500 series truck. We can not always remember EVERY little design flaw.. so please feel free to write us if you know of something we forgot here in these excluded manual pages.

Thank you for the purchase of a 1500 series DODGE Truck. (You have dedicated yourself to keeping money in our pockets by frequently repairing your truck.)

*Amendment after publication*
We would also like to remind you to keep an eye on your rear end. We saw fit to include in most models a Trak Lok limited slip unit. This LSD unit will keep you in the upgrade pits when it detonates. We added this potential detonation feature so you can be reminded that you need lockers !