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Chuck Norris is such a man that every pair of his pants require a third leg.

The role of Alf, from the hit 80's TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris' penis.

Chuck Norris knows what Meatloaf wouldn't do for love.

Chuck Norris NEVER pulls out!

Chuck Norris goes in through the Out door.

A man once laughed at Chuck Norris' beard. He promptly roundhouse kicked him, and then continously stomped his body into the ground. Hence, the Grand Canyon.

Heart disease is the number one cause of death for women in the US. Sex with Chuck Norris is close behind.

A waitress at a Western Sizzler accidentally gave Chuck Norris a well-done steak instead of a rare steak. Chuck proceeded to have sex with her on the table and said "Now that's well-done!" The waitress replied "That's pretty rare too!" Chuck proceeded to have sex with her 15 more times just to prove her wrong.

If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris's fully erect penis.

Chuck Norris has never been rained upon. Mother Nature can't risk those kinds of repercussions.

The first man on the moon was actually Chuck Norris. He did this in 1955. When those other two losers got up there, he roundhouse kicked them to Mars and took their space pod. But he didn't go home; he went to Venus to pick up sluts.

The reason emo bands are so emo is because they are being persecuted by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris hates emos.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris single-handedly ended World War II when he roundhouse kicked Hitler and Hirohito in the face and told them to stop the ****.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The temperature on Chuck Norris' testicles is 750 degrees celsius. That is because his sperm can breath fire and **** lightning.

By the time Chuck Norris has finished shaving his beard has grown back.

Chuck Norris penned "Bohemian Rhapsody" and then gave Freddy Mercury AIDS for stealing the song.

Chuck Norris originally invented "The Total Gym" workout machine with human bones as the framework. It was later changed to aluminum for average consumers across the globe...Chuck still uses human bones.

Chuck Norris ejaculates nails, and he giggles everytime someone asks,"so did you nail'er?"

Jean Claude Van Damme is actually Chuck Norris' feces. That's the last time Chuck Norris ate ethnic.

Chuck Norris onced visited Canada to find a wife. As a result, every man women and child born in Canada now has a beard.

Chuck Norris eats coal and poops diamonds.

Chuck Norris has a reinforced titanium toilet, as his urine is shot out with such amazing force it would shatter a standard porcelain toilet.

On Chuck Norris's 16th birthday, his father bought him a prostitute. He gave her a round-house kick to the head after she refused to go a 21st time.

Chuck Norris must've been a pretty strong baby to climb out of the abortion bin.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked China, hence the flat faces.

If you masterbate while thinking of Chuck Norris, it is guaranteed to be 100 times more painful than usual.

If a gay man drinks Chuck Norris's sweat he turns straight and gains the power to build a log cabin without using tools.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once had sex on the beach. The lucky woman exploded from the sheer force of his ejaculation. However his sperm lived on and occasionally wash up on shore, where they are mistakenly identified as giant squid.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

Some people eat pepperoni on their pizza. Some people have canadian bacon. Chuck Norris usually has Venezuela.

Chuck Norris didnt roundhouse kick Ray Charles because he was blind, he roundhoused Ray Charles because he was black.

Chuck Norris was born Charles Edwin Norris III. Despite being mere minutes old, he grabbed his birth certificate and roundhouse-kicked it up his father's ass because, as he said, "I will never get any with the name Charles. From now on, call me Chuck... because it rhymes with ****."

Chuck Norris is currently in legal litigations with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis

For Chuck Norris, Bloodstain Remover is tax deductable.

Chuck Norris invented lesbians. After reaching the epitome of manhood by sleeping with Norris, they had no choice but to begin anew with women.

Chuck Norris was pissing on 14 year old girls YEARS before R Kelly.

Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire

The symbol for Chuck Norris in sign language is a middle finger on fire.

You remember when you were playing the game Oregon Trail and you came accross the Snake River that was 2 foot deep, you decide to cross it and you lose 3 wagon wheels, one child and your wife was diagnosed with Parvo and they blamed it on Wagon Robbing Indians? Yeah that was Chuck Norris, he ****ing robbed you, drowned your child with numchucks and gave your wife herpes. Chuck Norris Owns you.

Chuck Norris DNA is 90% denim

Chuck Norris has a sweet tooth. For Blood.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Thankfully, Chuck Norris doesn't masterbate because the heat caused by the friction would boil the water in the oceans.

Chuck Norris created the world, then he gave it a roundhouse kick in the northern hemisphere and created continents.

After a night of heavy drinking, Chuck Norris took a piss in a back alley. Inadvertently, his urine hit a sleeping bum, who immediately died of alcohol poisoning. Chuck didn't even get a hangover.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

Chuck Norris can weld titanium with his urine.