A Stupid Person's Guide To Life
#1
THE LIST
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- Don't eat rocks.</font>
- Don't take naps in the road.</font>
- Don't stoke fires with your fingers.</font>
- Don't throw a brick straight up.</font>
- Don't breathe car exhaust.</font>
- If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.</font>
- For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.</font>
- Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.</font>
- Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.</font>
- The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.</font>
- If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.</font>
- If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head.</font>
- Don't flip off the Mafia.</font>
- If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.</font>
- Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.</font>
- Light birthday cake candles from back to front.</font>
- Don't shave with a lawn mower.</font>
- Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.</font>
- Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.</font>
- Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.</font>
- The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."</font>
- Don't bathe in a tub full of snow.</font>
- Don't iron clothes while wearing them.</font>
- The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.</font>
- Don't eat hot coals.</font>
- Don't escape in to jail.</font>
- Don't wash floors with cough syrup.</font>
- Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.</font>
- Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.</font>
- Sell at most one of your kidneys.</font>
- Don't lie down in a cattle pen.</font>
- Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.</font>
- Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.</font>
- Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.</font>
- Don't snap towels at passing cops.</font>
- Don't throw an angry cat straight up.</font>
- Don't lick dry ice.</font>
- Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up.</font>
- Don't pour salt in your eyes.</font>
- Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.</font>
- Don't microwave yourself.</font>
- Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.</font>
- Don't swallow toothpaste.</font>
- Don't chew Tylenol.</font>
- Don't bathe in gasoline.</font>
- Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.</font>
- Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.</font>
- Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.</font>
- Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.</font>
- Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.</font>
- Don't go swimming in a well.</font>
- Rake leaves, not people.</font>
- Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.</font>
- Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.</font>
- If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.</font>
- Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.</font>
- Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs.</font>
- When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.</font>
- Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.</font>
- Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.</font>
- Elvis is dead. Get over it.</font>
- Wear clothes.</font>
- Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.</font>
- If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.</font>
- Don't drink.</font>
- Don't drive.</font>
- Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.</font>
- Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.</font>
- When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.</font>
- When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.</font>
- No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.</font>
- Give me all your money.</font>
- When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.</font>
- Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.</font>
- Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.</font>
#4
Originally posted by Casper137:
THE LIST
</font>
THE LIST
</font>
- Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food.</font>
Eating five batteries.
[ July 09, 2004, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: bigmike216 ]
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