-Work Poop- 2003 Survival Guide
11-21-2003, 10:28 PM
#1
50 Watt CAFz'r
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 356
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down
below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give
you the.........
2003 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a
side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen do not
panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to
an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop
has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
After you have just stunk-up the ****ter. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is
best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is
Damn proud of it. (Ian Franklin for those who know him) You will often
See an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out
OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who
band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE
CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking
and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this
the case, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know
to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one
off in the middle.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential
TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down
below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give
you the.........
2003 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a
side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen do not
panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to
an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop
has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
After you have just stunk-up the ****ter. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is
best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is
Damn proud of it. (Ian Franklin for those who know him) You will often
See an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out
OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who
band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE
CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking
and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this
the case, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know
to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one
off in the middle.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential
TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
hahaha thats funny [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]
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