And some from the other side of the relationship:

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you could take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?" The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

WIFE V. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion has led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," replied the wife, "in-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION (My personal favourite)
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time. The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me so beautiful so that you would be attracted to me; God made me so stupid so that I would be attracted to you!"

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him is she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton ***** and ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's soooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own...so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, opened up the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...."HEBREWS"

 

What did the masochist say to the sadist?
"hurt me, hurt me bad"

What did the sadist reply?
"No"

 

Dave works hard at the hospital and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave."He's on my basketball team.

"When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly
uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms round Dave, and says: "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, Big Boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says: "Jeez, Dave, you picked up a real bitch tonight"

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,

"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says,
"Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo ****.
Someone has stolen tent."

 

Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.

The first Newfie turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer." "No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food." "I promise I won't.
says the Newfie. "just hurry"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie. Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.

Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it!I'm not freaking going!"

 

DEAR DIARY

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am
so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough
did his trick again to the driveway. I love it
here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. ****ing snow plough.

Dec. 22 - More of that white **** fell last
night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore
back from shoveling. I think the snow plough
hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. .

Dec. 25 - Merry ****ing Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the ****ing ice.

Dec. 27 - More white **** last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white **** and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the **** again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That ****ing weatherman was wrong. We
got 34 inches of the **** this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the **** he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his ****ing head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about
$3,000 damage to the car. Those ****ing beasts
should be killed. The bastards are everywhere.
Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that ****ing salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why
anyone in their right mind would ever want to
live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!

 

Stolen from another forum but I liked it:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of
coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I! remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues...

"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

 

This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine.

The engineers rolled on the floor!

Especially note the last couple of sentences.


If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse ***** are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse ***** should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse ***** by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic ***** will be larger and harder than
foreign *****. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign ***** can be replaced using the pop off method.

Domestic ***** are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse ***** are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare ***** for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his ***** should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working ***** is an unhappy customer!

 

I'm on my Michael Jackson kick today! The second two are obviously made to sound different when you actually tell someone because of their wording.


What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about 14.

- - -

What did the lady at the beach say to Michael Jackson?

"Hey get out of my sun"

- - -

What does Michael Jackson like about 28 year olds?

There are 20 of them!

 

My Doctor told me that I had to get more exercise in order to get my health
back on track.

I am one to ALWAYS do as the Doc says, so I worked out a very
strenuous exercise program.

I have decided to share it with my friends
that may be in need of exercise, too.

Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.


Sunday:
Run the channels on the remote control
Feed My face
Catch a few winks

Whew! What a workout!

You are invited to Use my PROGRAM With my compliments and FREE of charge.