Joke Thread
Cheddar
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 558
Kind of lame, but........
University students studying Beethoven go to his tomb as part of their course work.
They hear strange music coming from within the tomb.
One geeky nerd says, "Hey, that's the 9th symphony played backwards." Another geeky student brings out the score for the 9th symphony and sure enough, it was the 9th being played backwards.
Confused, they go home and come back the next day. Same kind of eerie music. This time, it's a little different.
Same geek says, "Hey, that's the 8th symphony being played backwards..... sure enough it was the 8th.
Next day it was the 7th symphony. then the 6th.
Ths was way too much of a mystery, so the students and their prof get permission to open up the tomb to see what the heck was up.
Guess what they found?
Beethoven decomposing........
University students studying Beethoven go to his tomb as part of their course work.
They hear strange music coming from within the tomb.
One geeky nerd says, "Hey, that's the 9th symphony played backwards." Another geeky student brings out the score for the 9th symphony and sure enough, it was the 9th being played backwards.
Confused, they go home and come back the next day. Same kind of eerie music. This time, it's a little different.
Same geek says, "Hey, that's the 8th symphony being played backwards..... sure enough it was the 8th.
Next day it was the 7th symphony. then the 6th.
Ths was way too much of a mystery, so the students and their prof get permission to open up the tomb to see what the heck was up.
Guess what they found?
Beethoven decomposing........
Cheddar
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 558
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled eight cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and three pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this? Please read more about the "history of teaching math":
Teaching Math In 1950
***************************
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
***************************
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
**************************
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
***************************
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? (There are no wrong answers)
Teaching Math In 2005
***************************
*** I cut out this part, because it is innapropriate. It makes fun of immigrants (attempt to poke fun at Hispanics).
Why do I tell you this? Please read more about the "history of teaching math":
Teaching Math In 1950
***************************
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
***************************
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
**************************
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
***************************
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? (There are no wrong answers)
Teaching Math In 2005
***************************
*** I cut out this part, because it is innapropriate. It makes fun of immigrants (attempt to poke fun at Hispanics).
Cheddar
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 558
Lone Ranger
===============================
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo dung. Someone has stolen tent".
===============================
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo dung. Someone has stolen tent".
1000 Watt CAFz'r
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,783
Soap Saga
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you, S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid,
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AMand 5PM.
Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45AMand don't get back before 5:30or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little barsof soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,please call extension 1108 between 8AMand 5PM.
Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the heck left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one darn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory that I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 CashmereBouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window still is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries? One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you, S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid,
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AMand 5PM.
Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45AMand don't get back before 5:30or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little barsof soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,please call extension 1108 between 8AMand 5PM.
Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the heck left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one darn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory that I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 CashmereBouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window still is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries? One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
50 Watt CAFz'r
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 346
hahahahaha.. this is funny.. watch out this could happen to you.. have fun
A male patient is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
He is still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.
A young, female nurse's aide appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my ********* black?"
Embarrassed, the young aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Are my ********* black?"
Reluctantly, the aide pulls back the covers and raises his gown.
She grips his ***** in one hand and his ********* in her other
hand, takes a close look at his genitals and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was
nice, but listen closely: Are...my...test...results...back
A male patient is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
He is still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.
A young, female nurse's aide appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my ********* black?"
Embarrassed, the young aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Are my ********* black?"
Reluctantly, the aide pulls back the covers and raises his gown.
She grips his ***** in one hand and his ********* in her other
hand, takes a close look at his genitals and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was
nice, but listen closely: Are...my...test...results...back
50 Watt CAFz'r
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 68
An old man brings his new young blonde hair, big boobed girlfriend to the jewelry store.
The man says to the store manager, "Show me something special for this beautiful g/f of mine."
So the store manager brings out a big beautiful diamond ring.
The man asks the store manager, "How much is this ring?"
The store manager replies, "It's $5,000."
The old man says, "No! No! No!""I said show me something special."
"Ah, ok!" so the store manager goes to the back of the store and opens up the vault and brings out his special collection of jewelry. He brings out the ring with the biggest diamond. The blonde girl eyes light up like a Christmas tree.
The old man says, "How much is this ring?"
The store manager says, "It's $50,000"
All right, I'll take this one.
The store manager asks, "How will you be paying for this ring?"
The old man says, "I'll write you a cheque."
"Since I'm writing such a big cheque I know that it'll take a few days for it to clear.""So, I'll be coming back Monday to pick up the ring."
The store manager replies, "That's fine."
Monday morning comes and there's a phone call for the old man. He picks up the phone and on the other line is an angry tone of voice.
This is the manager from the jewelry store and the bank called me this morning stating that the cheque you wrote is NSF.
The old man replies, "I know that, but can you imagine the weekend I had!!!"
The man says to the store manager, "Show me something special for this beautiful g/f of mine."
So the store manager brings out a big beautiful diamond ring.
The man asks the store manager, "How much is this ring?"
The store manager replies, "It's $5,000."
The old man says, "No! No! No!""I said show me something special."
"Ah, ok!" so the store manager goes to the back of the store and opens up the vault and brings out his special collection of jewelry. He brings out the ring with the biggest diamond. The blonde girl eyes light up like a Christmas tree.
The old man says, "How much is this ring?"
The store manager says, "It's $50,000"
All right, I'll take this one.
The store manager asks, "How will you be paying for this ring?"
The old man says, "I'll write you a cheque."
"Since I'm writing such a big cheque I know that it'll take a few days for it to clear.""So, I'll be coming back Monday to pick up the ring."
The store manager replies, "That's fine."
Monday morning comes and there's a phone call for the old man. He picks up the phone and on the other line is an angry tone of voice.
This is the manager from the jewelry store and the bank called me this morning stating that the cheque you wrote is NSF.
The old man replies, "I know that, but can you imagine the weekend I had!!!"
1000 Watt CAFz'r
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 1,085
>
>Collectable Quarters
>
>
>
>Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have
>
>them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.
>
>The Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the
>
>Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from
>
>each province.
>
>"We are recalling all the new Newfoundland quarters that were
>
>recently issued," Canadian Mint Deputy Minister Jack Shackleford said
>
>Monday.
>
>"This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters
>
>will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay
>
>phones,
>
>or other coin-operated devices."
>
>The quarters were issued in the order in which the various provinces
>
>joined Confederation and have been a tremendous success among coin
>
>collectors worldwide.
>
>"The problem lies in the unique design of the Newfoundland quarter, which
>
>was created by a team of Newfoundlanders ," Shackleford said.
>
>
>
>"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel
>
>together keeps jamming
>Collectable Quarters
>
>
>
>Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have
>
>them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.
>
>The Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the
>
>Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from
>
>each province.
>
>"We are recalling all the new Newfoundland quarters that were
>
>recently issued," Canadian Mint Deputy Minister Jack Shackleford said
>
>Monday.
>
>"This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters
>
>will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay
>
>phones,
>
>or other coin-operated devices."
>
>The quarters were issued in the order in which the various provinces
>
>joined Confederation and have been a tremendous success among coin
>
>collectors worldwide.
>
>"The problem lies in the unique design of the Newfoundland quarter, which
>
>was created by a team of Newfoundlanders ," Shackleford said.
>
>
>
>"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel
>
>together keeps jamming
I made this one up last night... I thought it was good.
Johnny the newfie goes into the doctor's office with a problem. "It burns when I pee doctor, and I don't know what to do." Before the doctor can answer him, Johhny's wife pokes her head in the door and screams "Damnit Johhny, he'll tell you the same thing I did, Stop pissin on the damn electric fence!"
Johnny the newfie goes into the doctor's office with a problem. "It burns when I pee doctor, and I don't know what to do." Before the doctor can answer him, Johhny's wife pokes her head in the door and screams "Damnit Johhny, he'll tell you the same thing I did, Stop pissin on the damn electric fence!"
