Odd smell

A woman took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take
any of my friends out in my car after a while there is this terrible
smell. It never happens when I am on my own" This quite intrigued
the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the
problem is". Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the
wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the
street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran
several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.
They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now; there's that
terrible smell. Can you smell it?"

"Smell it? Hell lady, I'm sitting in it".

 

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really
much rather have an honest job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your
clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to
satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the
garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bull-****tin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

 

Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

The following is an actual question given on a
>>>>University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by
>>>>one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with
>>>>colleagues, via the Internet, which is why we now have the
>>>>pleasure of enjoying it as well.
>>>> >
>>>> > The "Bonus Question" on the exam: Is Hell exothermic
>>>>(gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
>>>> >
>>>> > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
>>>>Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
>>>>compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the
>>>>following:
>>>> >
>>>> > First, we need to know how the
>>>>mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
>>>>which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are
>>>>leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
>>>>to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
>>>> >
>>>> > As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
>>>>the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of
>>>>these religions state that if you are not a member of their
>>>>religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of
>>>>these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
>>>>religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
>>>> >
>>>> > With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
>>>>the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
>>>>look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
>>>>Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell
>>>>to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
>>>>proportionately as souls are added.
>>>> >
>>>> > This gives two possibilities:
>>>> >
>>>> > 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
>>>>at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in
>>>>Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
>>>> >
>>>> > 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
>>>>increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
>>>>drop until Hell freezes over.
>>>> >
>>>> > So which is it?
>>>> >
>>>> > If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa (a
>>>>girlfriend of mine during my Freshman year) that, "it will be a
>>>>cold day in
>>>>Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that
>>>>I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus
>>>>I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
>>>>The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,
>>>>it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
>>>>therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the
>>>>existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
>>>>Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
>>>> >
>>>> > THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>(-: Smile
>>>>

 

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
>>
>>1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
>>a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage
>>will be almost instantly removed.
>>
>>2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
>>getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
>>
>>3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat
>>by simply using the sink.
>>
>>4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
>>bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
>>Remember to use a timer.
>>
>>5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
>>prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit
>> the snooze button.
>>
>>6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives,
>>then you will be afraid to cough.
>>
>>7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you
>>will forget about the toothache.
>>
>>Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life
>>really are:
>>
>>You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
>>If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
>>If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
>>
>>Remember:
>>
>>Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>>
>>If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another
>>chance.
>>
>>And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you
>>never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
>>
>>
>>9 Things I Hate About Everyone
>>
>>
>>
>>1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I
>>know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at
>>my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
>>
>>
>>
>>2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire
>> room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and
>>change the channel manually.
>>
>>
>>
>>3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
>>too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
>>
>>
>>
>>4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course
>> it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
>> Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their
>>asses!
>>
>>
>>
>>5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
>>Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn
>>floor.
>>
>>
>>
>>6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really
>>give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
>>
>>
>>
>>7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
>> then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
>>improvement, then there must have been something before it,
>>couldn't be new.
>>
>>
>>
>>8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the
>>longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's
>>longer?
>>
>>
>>
>>9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus
>>come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
>>
>>
>>
>>*** Forward this to at least 11 people and see what comes on your
>>screen, you will laugh your head off!!!!!!! This works. I don't
>>know how...

 

Living in 2005

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends ..you know you want to.