Newfie sitting in the bar havin a beer when an american fella walks by and hit him,right off the barstool.
American says, that was a judo chop from japan!
Newf shrugs it off and continues drinkin.
American fella walks by again and knocks him off his seat again, Guy says that was a karate chop from korea.
Newfies pisst, Gets up and leaves the bar.
Little while later comes back,sees the guy and hammers him off his chair.
Then tells the bartender, when that yankee ***** wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from canadian tire! [img]graemlins/headbang.gif[/img]

 

Q.How do you know micheal jacksons got company?
A.The big wheels in the driveway.
Q.Whats m.j consider a perfect 10?
A.Two 5 year olds
Q.Why did mj call boyzIImen?
A.he thought it was a delivery service
Q.Whats sex like for mj?
A. childs play
Q.Whats the difference between mj and greyhound racing?
A. the greyhounds wait for the hares to come out
Q.Why did pepsi sign mj for there ads?
A. cause he likes the taste of a new generation

 

So Mss. Johnson is handing out exams that she's just marked which was on the femal reproductive system. As these two dudes get their exams back they see that one got a D and the other guy got an F.

The one guy says to the other... "Man this is complete ****... We should get back at her for this"

The other says "Ya man, I'm guna kick her right in the ****ing nuts!"

 

So there's this guy and he goes out to the out-house to take a ****.

His buddy notices how longs he's been gone and goes out back to see what's wrong.

•"Dude... What the hell is taking you so long?"

-"Man... There's NO toilet paper in here! What am I supposed to do!?"

•"Ah damn it man... You got five bucks on ya?"

-"Ya! Good thinking man."

After 5 minutes of grunting and roaring and bumping around in there the guy comes out of the out-hosue covered head to toe in ****. All over his hands and pants and face and everything.

His buddy looks at him and shock and asks
"How the hell did you get covered in ****!?"

"Well 'BUDDY'... Do you know how hard it is to whipe your *** with a handfull of CHANGE!?"

 

So there's this drunk... And he's is just funkin HAMMERED right and he staggers into a church and then into the little confession box. The priest sits and waits for a bit and then does a cough to get the drunk's attention.

The drunk doesn't reply but the preist hears a lot of movement on the other side of the wall.

The priest waits and bit and coughs even louder.

Still no reply but a bunch of movement and suttle swearing.

So he waits a couple more minutes and says and gets fed up. He then taps on the wall and says...
"Excuse me Sir!!?"

The drunk relpies....
"Sorry dude, I got the same problem. There's no damn toilet paper on this side either!"

 

HOW TO CONFUSE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB
-----------------------------------------

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "NO!!! They've found me!" and bolt.

Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.

Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..."

Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your pants and say, "Oops, I forgot."

Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the floppy disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!" and then calmly sit down and begin to type.

 

So there's this mexican and he's walking down the street and trips over a magic lantern. He's "Holy **** mang" and give's it a rub.

*!POOF!* out pops a genie.

Genie says. "Aye mang, I'll give you one wish and den dats it"

Guys says. "Holy ****, I don't know what I want. Give me a cool power like... the power to pee tequila or something mang"

*!POOF!* the genie is gone.

Later that night the mexican goes home and rocks out on the couch for a bit drinkin' some beers then notices he has to go to the toilet. So off to the washroom he goes and he starts pissin' and see that it's a different color. Then he remember's that it should be tequila.

Off he goes again to find a glass and he fills it full of ****/tequila. Looks at it, sniffs it, satisfied enough he takes a sip.

Best damn tequila he's ever had!

"Chequita! Chequita! Come in here and try this!"
"What is it Pedro?"
"My ****! It's turned to great tequila! Here! Ttry!"
So his wife takes a swig and is very impressed.

The next day the mexican comes home from work and tell his wife two get a glass. He then continues to fill em full of tequila and they have a great night.

The next day he comes home and tell his wife to get 2 glasses again and he proceeds to fill em full following another great night.

Then the mexican comes home again after work and tells his wife to get one glass. Chequita comes back with one glass and asks.

"But Pedro...why only one glass?"
"Ahh Chequita... This glass is for me!"
"But what about me Pedro?"
"Ahh my little Chequita... tonight... you drink straight from the bottle "

 

I find the best jokes have to be related to either **** or a duck.

See. That wasn't even a joke. But since I said duck, it's kind of funny!

 

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked
into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and dancing, but
every once in a while, the lights would turn off.

Each time after the lights would go out, the place
would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room
went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I
please use the restroom?"

The bartender nervously replied, "I really don't think you should."

Why not?" the nun asked.

Well, there is a life-size statue of a naked man in
there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of
the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole
place was hopping with music and dancing again.

However, they did stop just long enough to give the
nun a loud round of applause.

She walked up to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't
understand. Why did they applaud for me just because
I went to the restroom?"

Well, because now they know you're one of us," said
the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig
leaf on that statue is lifted up, the lights go out
in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

 

This one is called Ribbit

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."


The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!


He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says

to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."